Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
