look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
