My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
