I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
