hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
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He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
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You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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