Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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