So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
