Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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