i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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