so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
