The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
