Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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