Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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