I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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