She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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