he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
