Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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