I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
