What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
