thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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