so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
