Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
