So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
