Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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