No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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