He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
