I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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