Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
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you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
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I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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