Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
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she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
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The entire state will know me by my boobs.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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