Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
