he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
BRING THE BAGELS
I just gargled with NyQuil
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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