haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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