Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
