can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
