Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
