if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
