I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
