I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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