the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
