Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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