you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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