sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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