nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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