I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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