Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
