The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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