so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
