im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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