I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
