Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
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woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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