Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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