Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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