I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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