McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
