mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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