drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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